Little Rock--The nation's educational crisis has taken a poignant twist this Christmas, as thousands of poor-spelling children have unwittingly addressed their "Letters to Santa" to Satan and suffered tragic consequences.

Ten-year-old Sally Ryder mistakenly asked Satan for a pony and was trampled to death by the Budweiser Clydesdales at a football game. In Minnesota, six-year-old Timmy Brattle, hoping for a TonkaTM fire-truck, was killed in a four-alarm blaze that a whole company of bright, shiny pumpers could not extinguish. And hundreds of children asking Satan for Legos have found themselves buried alive inside colorful, pricey tombs made of the famous inter-locking bricks.

Postmaster General, Sarah Smith, has spent most of the past week scrambling to defend her employees: "Look, we just deliver the mail. The return bestowal of gifts, or alternatively, an eternity of hellfire and torment is left up to the recipient." She continued, "My advice is for everyone to work on their spelling. We've seen quite a few letters to 'Santa, Reaver of Souls' lately, and I'm sure Chris Cringle has no idea what to do with the talismans and chicken guts he's getting."

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